PART FOUR – Exercising Fathers’ Rights: The Five Insights of Successful Divorced Dads
The first insight of a successful divorced dad is this: I must be the man of peace I claim to be.
The second insight of a successful divorced dad is this: EVERY CHOICE I make must flow from this core operating philosophy, because it is the highest of standards.
The third insight of a successful divorced dad is this: I MUST NOT seek to blame others for the situation our child faces.
The fourth insight of a successful divorced dad is this: I must distinguish blaming from holding myself first then everyone else, no matter who they are to account under this standard.
The fifth and final insight of a successful divorced dad is this: Advocating for the optimal conditions for the child is not some wishful thinking – Love is always an active verb that requires great personal sacrifice.
It won’t be easy. However if you fall off the wagon, it’s easy to get back on. You just have to do it, no matter how many times you stumble. Over time it becomes second nature. You become more confident of who you are, what your role is in creating the problems that lead you here in picking the wrong person to have a child with.
Your child represents the very best of who you and your wife were, and still are. No matter how bad it gets.
And it can get bad. But with a GREAT mentor who can coach you to develop the right mindset, you can get there. It can be done. And that is the essence of the work I do with successful separated and divorced dads every day.
Dad does not always win, but using this game plan he always improves the situation. He sets himself for his next opportunity for success.
REMEMBER THIS: When Dad persists in a child focused positive manner he will more often than not win, because he has proved beyond any question that WINNING = the VERY BEST OPPORTUNITY peace for the child.
The goal may not be achievable at first. It may take time and tenacity if your ex-wife or ex-partner wants to make War. She will be encouraged to claim “her rights” at every step of the Family Court process with it being clothed in the righteousness of “the best interest of the child”.
The problem is this: “The best interest of the child” is a subjective standard that is a discretionary call on the part of The Family Court Judge.
Your job is to educate that Judge about the ultimate best interests of children during separation and divorce, and then to live up to that ideal as best any human being can. You need not be perfect, just vigorous and actively pursuing peace for your children – refusing to participate in the “blame game” that Family Court often becomes.
You must plan with the end in mind…
Separation and divorce are one of the most traumatic times in a person’s life, be they man or woman. It is even more so for children. At this time of turbulence upheaval and change, it is normal to feel disappointment, bitterness, sadness, confusion and fear of the unknown outcomes that6 lie ahead of you.
Few separations and/or divorces are trouble-free. Especially when a couple approaches these difficulties without an educated perspective that applies considerable thought, planning and execution of a well considered management plan that minimizes negative consequences of the choice to separate and/or divorce.
You will now need to make wise choices, in order to preserve your child’s family, despite its intention to reside in two homes. Both you and your spouse need to remember that you are both in control of this process. It only takes one of you to make a real traumatic mess out of the situation. The consequences will be borne primarily in your children, who will bear the brunt of a selfish parent.
A selfish parent is an unfit parent. It is not about you or your spouse. It is about your children’s right to a peaceful upbringing, despite the choices that you both have made, be they good, bad, right, wrong, indifferent and selfish. You chose each other; you have created this situation together. Blaming the other does little but add fuel to the flames, sacrificing your children’s happiness in the process.
Therefore do not be that selfish parent. Be the good man you claim to be. Refuse to rise to the bait of any situation where you are being provoked
Your understanding of what can happen during the process of separation and divorce — and acting with integrity, discipline, kindness, insight and self-control will absolutely lead to a better outcome through smoother negotiations, faster settlements and far fewer sleepless nights.
Make no mistake; if you don’t have a game plan, you are following someone else’s. And that can be fatal. At the end of the day, the legal process goes away. You are left with the results.
You must do more than survive, because the emotional and financial impact can be devastating when you don’t have a plan that puts peace first and foremost, even when under serious attack. You must learn to plan with the end result in mind.
That is why the creation of a separation and/or divorce management plan. You can learn how on our FREE weekly Sunday night teleseminars which we also webcast at http://www.DivorcedDadWeekly.com.
Over the last several weeks we’ve been conducting free trainings called The Divorced Dad Roadmap: The 7 Family Court Secrets Series at this web address.
These trainings are about to move to http://www.DivorcedDadRoadmap.com in about a month. These will continue on Sunday evenings. You’ll learn strategies that have helped many divorced dads just like you.
When that happens http://www.DivorcedDadWeekly.com will become a weekly virtual meeting on Monday evenings for fathers around the world. Heidi and I we’ll answer questions that dads ask us on how to optimize their chances for success in and outside of Family Court…
You’ll be learning an “new language” to more accurately describe the truth, filled with ideas that seem at first counterintuitive, because it is balanced, and does not seek to claim that men are better than women or vice versa.
It puts children first and foremost.
In Part Five, we’ll explore “Fathers’ Rights” is not a dirty word: Once we take full responsibility for articulating our identity with clarity …Feel free to join the dialogue at http://www.DivorcedDadWeekly.com to ask your questions, give me you comments and feedback. Heidi and I welcome every question of every kind for our weekly virtual meeting / telewebcast for dads just like you…