Getting over divorce is rarely a quick and easy process. Healing after divorce takes months and sometimes even years.
Research also tells us that guys tend to take breakups harder for women, so life after divorce for men is even tougher. It often feels like the pain of divorce never goes away.
To truly start rebuilding after divorce, it helps to take an introspective look at your emotions so you understand what you’re feeling and the reasons why you feel that way.
Here are some common hang-ups that often prevent guys from getting through a divorce.To truly start rebuilding after divorce, it helps to take an introspective look at your emotions. Click To Tweet
Holding a grudge
Ideally, all divorces would be amicable, but the reality is that most people end up with at least a few hurt feelings.
Your ex might have cheated on you. Or maybe you feel like she didn’t fight hard enough to save your relationship. Whatever the situation, there is a good chance you’re holding onto some lingering feelings of anger and bitterness and that can prevent you from moving on with your life after divorce.
What you must realize is that clinging to those negative thoughts and emotions is preventing you from overcoming divorce. It’s like digesting a steady diet of poison.
Holding a grudge allows you to be a prisoner to her actions and prohibits you from really starting over after divorce. The better option is forgiveness. By making a conscious decision to forgive your ex, you’re freeing yourself to move on.
Remember, forgiveness doesn’t excuse what she might have done with you. It still acknowledges that you were wronged, but instead of fixating on the hurt it treats the situation with compassion and acceptance. Taking that perspective is liberating and can really speed up your divorce recovery
When you’re dealing with a breakup, you might feel like curling into the fetal position and shutting it all down. The loneliness after divorce makes you want to shut the blinds, turn down the lights, lie in bed and binge on Netflix for hours on end.
Sad feelings after divorce are tough to shake. Taking a little time to decompress isn’t a bad thing, but wallowing in self-pity isn’t a good way of coping with divorce and is only going to deepen your feelings of depression.
It’s impossible to overstate the value of human connection. So as tough as it might be to do when you’re feeling so crummy, force yourself to get outside and seek out activities that will help you build meaningful relationships after divorce.
If you’re religious, get involved in your church. Or volunteer at a local organization supporting a cause you’re passionate about. Join a gym. Find a MeetUp Group to do fun activities with. Just get up, get outside, and interact with other people. Expanding your social circle and reinventing yourself after divorce are some of the best cures for the post-divorce blues.
Refusing to accept responsibility
The inclination after divorce is to demonize your ex. That’s natural when you’re hurt, especially if your wife legitimately did things to intentionally harm you.
However, divorce should cause some serious introspection and self-reflection. Focusing too much on your ex’s wrongs can cause you to overlook some personal shortcomings you might need to work on.
When a marriage fails, there is typically blame to go around on both sides. You shouldn’t be hard on yourself or blame yourself for the divorce, but it is healthy to take an honest look at how you contributed to the marital breakdown and consider what you can do to improve yourself so that your future relationships are healthy.
Idealizing the past
If divorce wasn’t something you wanted, you might tend to fixate on everything you lost. It’s wise to look back if it’s to gain insight on how to move forward, but it’s never good to get stuck in hindsight wishing things would go back to how they used to be.
When you were married, your relationship was part of your identity. If you stay stuck in the past for too long then you risk the pain of divorce becoming part of who you are. Instead of hopelessly reminiscing about how your life used to be, think about the possibilities that lie ahead and what you can do to make yourself a more well-rounded human being.
Surviving divorce is an emotionally draining process for everyone. When you’re suffering from the pain of divorce, it can be easy to overlook some important legal steps you need to take to protect yourself.
Regardless of how low you might feel, it is critical to get in touch with a family law attorney as early on in the process as possible so that they can help ensure that your rights are protected. It might not seem like it when you’re struggling, but you can find happiness after divorce.
4 comments on “4 Habits That Keep You From Moving On From Divorce”
This was a very informative article. I am guilty of all 4. My ex and I divorced over a year and a half ago. She moved back to Virginia with my 6 year old son. I’ve fought to get my family back to no avail. I had him last Xmas but this Xmas I do not and this is the first 1 I’ll miss in his entire life. That has been a big trigger to put me back into all of these categories. It’s hard to picture my son spending Xmas with her and the 2nd new boyfriend she has had in the last year and a half. It’s just hard.
I ve catch her in bed with another man a week after we told me she really wanted to do whatever it takes to make it work. I see the need to let go. I deserve better but at time when I have my daughter she ask about her brother and mom. But I was really unhappy and it was time to move on I just wouldn’t give up. But today I’m trying
I found this lesson of forgiveness was like drinking pure acid. Soon as I did it and really meant it. It felt like 55 metric tons lifted off my shoulders and I could smile again and move on. Other people can pick up on what baggage your carrying. Hard to do though after being drug through the mud. But for real
I acutually put myself im my ex shoes and realized what she did even though I don’t agree and it hurt, took alot of courage for her to do.
Short article, easy read, very accurate. I am stagnating in some areas and moving forward on others. Like others, I received a double hit of divorce and infidelity, with abandonment of divorce after a 30 year long relationship + her adulterous affair with our family doctor. I do not consider myself as a person whom holds grudges, but, in reading this article, clearly I have not fully let go of the past and have not forgiven. There is a need to let go, otherwise remaining stuck. And it is important to let go for one’s own sanity and freedom to develop a new and better life after divorce. As written, the acceptance does not mean that we roll over and play dead. Face it, we were wronged. The past cannot be changed. We can only control ourselves, not anyone else.
Thank you Shawn. Nicely done!